blackwire

In God's Presence We Pray

2007-11-17T05:41:00.000+08:00

Well, before I plunge straight into this post, just let me say that I have been (and am still) working on a post that would predate this post. I’ve been procrastinating. In any case…

I went for an equivalent of cell group today (November 8). It’s called Catholic IV (IV standing for Isla Vista, the town where I’m staying). Now, normally I don’t like cell groups because I don’t seem to gain anything from them and I don’t really like sharing all that much anyway. And to be honest, today wasn’t all that much different. I guess the main reason why I went today was to try to break out of my shell and mix around a little more, so yeah, I went for Catholic IV.

So, today’s session was quite interesting in that it about meditations. Now, for all those of you who know me, or with whom I’ve shared about certain stuff before, you would know that I’ve always had problems focusing on God during prayer/worship/spiritual prep or anything of that sort. My mind has this irritating habit of wandering off and thinking about the most damnable and unrelated thing and sometimes I just find it so far to focus on praying. And then I would try to rein it in and before long, I’m concentrating so hard on concentrating on God that I really DON’T concentrate on God. A classic catch 22 situation.

Well anyway, the same thing happened again at Catholic IV, but this time it was different. I just kinda let my mind wander and stopped fighting it. I don’t really remember where my mind wandered to, but suffice to say, it did wander way off. So as it was wandering, this thought struck me. Maybe it is alright you know, to just let it go. After all, prayer is all about communicating with God right? And you cannot BE more yourself than when you are just unconsciously letting your mind go. The thoughts that come are perhaps the more salient ones in your mind, whether you knew it or not. And in thinking those thoughts, and in thinking them in the presence of God, well, you are sort of communicating with God in that sense. You’re telling Him what matters to you, what you’re thinking of and all that. And sometimes, when you just let your mind run, who knows, that may just be the time you’re the most open to God and His promptings and nudgings.

So yeah, I guess this is really the thing I want to share with you. The next time you’ve got to pray, don’t fight it. Just let it go, let your mind wander, but at the same time just FEEL the presence of God deep inside of you.

Another Beginning

2007-10-30T16:06:00.000+08:00

As with all things, there comes a time when something different is needed (or wanted). I have been thinking for awhile now that I would like to make some changes to my blog, in both content and layout, and so now I have, for reasons that would be elaborated below.

But first, a disclaimer: I've taken down the previous post for the simple reason that I think the photo looked out of place for this new layout. Everything is fine between Cheryl and I, and I'm still very much in love.

The tagboard too will be gone for now. I would like all communication (if any at all) to be done through the comments link at the end of each post. It goes without saying that I would appreciate all comments, especially those that encourage debates.

The past few months have been a period of incredible growth for me, both intellectually and spiritually. I think there is a need now, more than ever before, for me to have a space to write. I envision this blog to be used mainly for my reflections on certain issues or thoughts. I have always resisted blogging about my daily comings and goings and so I shan't. Hopefully, this blog would help me in disciplining myself to write more regularly, and also provide me with an opportunity to practice writing. Hopefully also, by writing out my thoughts, it would help me to better understand them and more importantly, better develop them.

With this in mind, happy reading and take care. Cheers.

FAITH

2007-02-15T16:02:00.000+08:00

FAITH

I imagine myself standing up...turning round and round, looking and searching and for the first time in my life, I begin to realise - just a little bit - the entirety and enormity of it. Its dynamic vibrancy, its neverending twists and turns, its pulsating power. Such is life, life is such.

In everything, there must be faith. Any faith. Whether in God, in science, in philosophy, all humanity needs something from which to orientate their lives from, even if we're not aware of it. That is the basic requirement of human life.

There are many who would deny this thing called faith. That is often because the word has been caught up too much in the human institution called the Church, nay, religion. Faith, for want of a better explanation, is not something that should be confined to religion, rather we should define faith as a subscription to a certain form of ideology, whether it is a civic ideology like socialism, Marxism, liberalism or a religion like Buddhism, Christianity or Islam. In this light, everyone is encompassed under the wide umbrella that orientates human life.

I have been brought up to believe in the Christian faith. My morals, my values, indeed the way I orientate my life are heavily influenced by Christian morality and values. However, apart from Christianity, other forces also influence my life and make up my orientation and they are the present-day social and civil ideologies. In short, I am a product of the society that we know of today.

At the same time, our society did not just pop out, like an anomaly on the page of history. Every society is anchored in its historical consciousness. Whether we like it or not, we could all probably trace a long line of cause and effect leading back to eternity. Even that explanation is inadequate. "Eternity" is just a convenient term to use to orientate ourselves in relation with the many many long winters of human history.

Whatever it may be however, to those who recognise this, the study of history becomes a search for the "Primal Force", the "Prime Mover", the "Alpha". Theories like the "Big Bang", "Creationism", even the bizarre "We are the spawns of an alien race" have been forwarded to explain our presence here on this earth. Why do we this? Because there is so much we do not understand about the present, about our lives. We cannot explain, fully, why our lives are orientated this way. IF there was this line of cause and effect leading back to the "First Cause" and that has made us into the way we are today, then WHAT WAS THERE BEFORE THIS "FIRST CAUSE"? The term "cause and effect" itself suggests a reaction. So what was there before this first reaction. In essence, the "First Cause" is the answer to everything.

As opposed to this "First Cause", many would argue that it could all have been random chance that made us the way we are today. Random Chance that led to human beings evolving from something, I know not what. I cannot refute this argument. Except that it scares me too much to fully contemplate this, because it takes away all meaning to life. It is as if in one fell stroke, everything that has ever happened was worthless, meaningless. It is as if were the world to end today, it really wouldn't matter at all. That, I cannot accept. Because if I do, I might as well end my life here and now.

On this most depressing of days

2007-02-15T02:52:00.000+08:00

On This Most Depressing Of Days...

On this most depressing of days, I made a stranger laugh...and felt pretty good.

On this most depressing of days, I saw a whole array of balloons and flowers and nice little trinkets and I thought to myself, "what absolute commercial thrash"; and yet, I smiled.

OTMDOD, I bought Faith and Chris a heart-shaped balloon each...just for the heck of it.

OTMDOD, I had a German vocab test...and it was horrendous.

OTMDOD, my dislike for someone grew, and my appreciation of someone else also grew.

OTMDOD, I watched the "Last King Of Scotland"...and thought that it was an incredibly intense show...but that's about it. I mean nothing in it pretty much surprises me, nothing much in it really touched me.

OTMDOD, my frustrations grabbed hold of my heart, and refused to let go.

OTMDOD, I realise that I hate, HAte, HATE, HATE.

OTMDOD, I lost it. For the first time in my life, I went crazy while driving. The music was so loud, it felt like my heart was beating in line with the bass. I screamed and screamed, and sped wherever I could, took 90 degree turns at 60km/h and the others at an even faster speeds. I lost control of myself.

OTMDOD, I drove for 10 seconds without my spectacles.

OTMDOD, I had a death wish. I could picture myself releasing the seat belt and braking so hard that I flew through the windscreen. I could also picture my car skidding into SOMETHING on one of the turns I took, crashing, and me walking out with blood all over, SMILING.

OTMDOD, I couldn't care less any more.

OTMDOD, I realised that there was something inexplicably exhilarating about all that.

Volatility

2007-02-09T00:16:00.000+08:00

Volatility

I don't rightly know why I'm feeling so angry right now. In fact, the whole day I was like a ticking bomb just waiting to explode. For some reason, a red mist has been colouring everything that I lay my eyes on.

Someone said today that we should all do "good", we should all do something good and valuable for humanity. She mentioned helping the poor, doing mission trips and stuff like that. These are the things that I've always said are worth doing, and felt like doing myself. And yet, I can't but help feeling fundamentally OPPOSED to what she said.

What IS "good"? I should think that there is some inherent and absolute conception of "goodness". Its generally held that murder is "bad", that rape is also "bad", that we should not unduly cause harm to another...and I do not dispute this. Far from it.

Yet, unfortunately - or in this case, fortunately - we rarely get into situations as clear-cut as those mentioned above (I'm making the assumption that they are clear-cut, although that may be easily disputed). One problem is when we try to "measure" "good"... If we say that we want to alleviate poverty, we must ask ourselves questions like; to what end? how do we define who's poor and who's not?

To begin with, I would hazard that it is impossible to totally eradicate poverty. There would always be a "class" (I'm not comfortable with this term) of people who are worse off materially than the rest of the society. In that case, our goals and aims are already limited. How then can we help them? By making them feel good? Feel loved? Why not a shot of cocaine every now and then then? They WOULD feel good. And we could just feeding it to them so that they'll NEVER feel bad. Or injecting them with some tranquilizers and then......well, get rid of them. They sure as hell wouldn't feel "bad". (Before I get totally and utterly slammed for this outrageous suggestion, let me say that I am TOTALLY against it. Its just an eg.) The whole point is that, feeling "good" is NOT a good way to measure or to qualify doing "good". In fact, it is a horrible , horrible way of qualifying things.

If we want to measure doing "good" by the do-er's intentions, then that is even more dodgy. Aside from the cliched "the road to hell is paved with good intentions", other more real things like abortion, euthanasia can all be argued to have good intentions. Yet, as much as we can understand the motivations in carrying out those acts, I can't help but feel that they are not quite "good" things.

Another person also mentioned something about being altruistic. I believe that there is no such thing as pure altruism. No matter whether it is to make oneself feel satisfied, or happy, there will be a certain degree of fulfilling some self-interests. As long as there are intentions, any action done in accordance intentions would be self-fulfilling already.

Not that this is a "bad" thing per se. Its just important that people realise this, and acknowledge the importance of doing things for themselves.

iTunes

2007-02-03T03:31:00.000+08:00

iTunes

Picked this up from Eisen's blog...

So, here's how it works:

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle.
3. Press play.
4. For every question, type the song that's playing.
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button.
6. Don't lie

Opening Credits: What Is And What Should Never Be / Led Zeppelin

Catch the wind, see us spin, sail away, leave today, way up high in the sky.
But the wind won't blow, you really shouldn't go, it only goes to show
That you will be mine, by takin' our time.

What It Means:
That's the way life is isn't it...Some things just are, and some things just should never be...And tough luck to you if those things aren't...

Waking Up: I'll Be Back / The Beatles

You know if you break my heart I'll go,
But I'll be back again,
'cause I told you once before goodbye,
But I came back again.

What It Means:
To LOVE...I'll Be Back, you fickle BITCH.

First Day At School: Toad / Cream

(Instrumental)

What It Means:
The title reminds me vividly of Philip Larkin's "Toads" and "Toads Revisited"...Quite aptly captures my attitude towards school (in the past) actually...Railing against the awful mechanical life that our society places each and everyone of us into, yet on the other hand unwilling to step out of my comfort zone and applying myself to something more worthy...(Disclaimer: the song puts me in a rather different mood, but the poem's wad comes to mind first)

Falling In Love: That's The Way / Led Zeppelin

That's the way... That's the way it oughtta be, oh don't you know now,
Mama said, mama said... that's the way it's gonna stay, yeah.

What It Means:
That's the way...Falling in Love isn't that complicated...or is it?

Fight Song: Everybody's Got Something To Hide (Except Me And My Monkey) / The Beatles

Everybody's got something to hide, except for me and my monkey
Your inside is out, and your outside is in
Your outside is in, and you inside is out

What It Means:
Sometimes, we fight not because we want something, but because we want to hide something.

Breaking Up: Till There Was You / The Beatles

There was love all around
But I never heard it singing
No I never heard it at all
Till there was you

What It Means:
And even then, it wasn't enough...because I threw it all away.

Prom: Falling Away With You / Muse

promise to hold you close and pray
watching the fantasies decay
nothing will ever stay the same

What It Means:
Prom...ise to hold you close and pray...Well, truth is...I didn't now did I? What an arse I was...I had the world in my arms, and I spurned it all.

Life's Ok: I'm Just Happy To Dance With You / The Beatles

Just to dance with you
Is everything I need
Before this dance is through
I think I'll love you too
I'm so happy when you dance with me

What It Means:
If only...if only...then maybe Life WOULD be ok.

Mental Breakdown: The Hardest Part / Coldplay

Everything I know is wrong
Everything I do it just comes undone
And everything is torn apart
Oh and thats the hardest part

What It Means:
There are times when I look back, and I FEAR...Fear so much that sometimes, I think I might just DIE...Oh for there to be meaning to life.

Driving: Let It Out / Hoobastank

I'm not afraid to let it out
I'm gonna show you how I feel
I'm not afraid to let it out

What It Means:
Gosh...If I'm like this when I drive... ... ...

Flashback: Somewhere A Clock Is Ticking / Snow Patrol

A clock is ticking, but it's hidden far away
(I could do most anything to you...)
Safe and sound
Safe and sound

What It Means:
And Long may it stay there...Hidden in a far away place, safe and sound, and unaffecting any part of my life. The scariest thing sometimes is to remember things long gone, and be reminded of the unrelenting passage of time...

Getting Back Together: Peggy Sue / Buddy Holly And The Crickets

I love you Peggy Sue - with a love so rare and true
oh Peggy - my Peggy Sue
well I love you gal - I want you Peggy Sue

What It Means:
If only, if only it were as simple as wanting...and loving...and eventually, getting...

Wedding: Don't Stop / Our Lady Peace

Don't stop sucking me in
Making me come back to you
No one will ever compare
Will ever be better than you

What It Means:
If she's the One, then let it be so. Let it be like this, a wholly intense union...for no one will ever be better than you...

Birth of Child: Drive-Thru / Tenacious D

Now if you could take a Coca-Cola, and just go half Coca-Cola, half Diet
Coke...'cuz I'm tryin to watch my figure...Tryin to loose some of the weight.

What It Means:
To the mother of my child...No matter how inane your requests are, or how weird they sound, I'll do them for you.

Final Battle: Girlfriend / Alicia Keys

I think I'm jealous of your girlfriend
Although she's just a girl that is your friend
I think I'm jealous of your girlfriend
She shares a special part of you

What It Means:
I'll forever have to tussle with my significant other's friends(girls) for her time and attention...God forbid, NO!

Death Song: Scar / Def Leppard

All that you are, no conscience
All you believe, no pride
All that you take, no reason
All that you leave, no right
All that you lose, no sorrow
All that you find, no shame
Can't take away the scar you left

What It Means:
I'm so going to leave a legacy behind man...Although it does seem to be a negative one.

Funeral Song: The Ballad Of John And Yoko / The Beatles

Christ you know it ain't easy,
You know how hard it can be.
The way things are going
They're gonna crucify me.

What It Means:
Except that, I'm already dead...My Wife will outlive me, but my dear, it'll be so difficult for you who are left behind, but know that I love you...

Ending Credits: Nothing / Stabbing Westward

I don't want it, I don't need it
I don't want it, I don't need it
I don't want it, I don't need it
I don't want it, I don't need it

What It Means:
And so it ends, at the end of the day, everything dissolves into Nothing...the Nothing that I don't want, the Nothing that I don't need...

Cortez The Killer

2007-01-23T15:13:00.000+08:00

Cortez The Killer

I'm taking this module, Empires, Colonies and Imperialism this sem. Prof Borschberg is fast-becoming one of my favourite lecturers. Two lectures, and both were absolute gems. It is such a great feeling to go in for a lecture, sit there for two hours and come out feeling like you've really learned something. What a joy!!

Anyway, I came across this song that I had while organising my songs in iTunes the other day. Its really quite nice, and damn haunting....

Cortez The Killer

He came dancing across the water
With his galleons and guns
Looking for the new world
In that palace in the sun.

On the shore lay Montezuma
With his coca leaves and pearls
In his halls he often wondered
With the secrets of the worlds.

And his subjects
gathered 'round him
Like the leaves around a tree
In their clothes of many colors
For the angry gods to see.

And the women all were beautiful
And the men stood
straight and strong
They offered life in sacrifice
So that others could go on.

Hate was just a legend
And war was never known
The people worked together
And they lifted many stones.

They carried them
to the flatlands
And they died along the way
But they built up
with their bare hands
What we still can't do today.

And I know she's living there
And she loves me to this day
I still can't remember when
Or how I lost my way.

He came dancing across the water
Cortez, Cortez
What a killer.

Reply...and other things

2007-01-09T08:53:00.000+08:00

Reply...and other things

I'm really writing this blog entry to drop a reply to dear biopro, cos she's too noob to have a comments link on her blog. LOL :P

Anyway, it was as enjoyable for me as it was for you, maybe even more so, to talk about the stuff we did. And also thank you for staying up so late listening to my crap and all that, considering that half the time I wasn't even very coherent in my arguments. Go read more!! Then we can discuss more...Disclaimer: Honestly right, I haven't read most of the stuff I talked to you about (LOL!), its more like a random assortment of things mashed together from all over the place. (I've had Hegel's Philosophy of History for two years, and its just been sitting on my shelf staring back at me for two years!) Bottom line is, I'm certainly not as well read as you think I am la. Eh anyway ar, discussing all this stuff on MSN is really damn difficult man, give me a chance to do it face to face and I'll do a better job, :P

***************************************
On to other stuff:

I've kinda been having a difficult time these last few days. Its one of those occasions when all sorts of questions just jump up out of the blue and start attacking you. This time round, the questions had a more...shall we say, spiritual (religious?) slant. For a couple of years now, I've stopped going to church. There are a number of reasons, one (and perhaps the strongest) reason is because I think I've simply lost it. IT. FAITH.

What is faith? I've never been able to come across a particularly satisfying explanation or definition. More often than not, the people that I've spoken to will struggle to answer such a question. Some say its a "feeling", that if you have it you'll "know that its there". Essentially, all these attempts to define it point to one thing, faith is something intangible, something that cannot be explained by rational thought. We may be able to talk about how it manifests itself, how "proof" of its existence can be garnered through our experiences, but we never seem to be able to accurately pinpoint with an level of certainty what it actually is.

Faith often marks the end of reason. It calls for an acceptance that no matter how hard we try to answer "why" questions, we are not going to arrive at a satisfactory conclusion. In short, it is a phenomenon that cannot be explained. All attempts that have tried to reconcile faith with reason (St. Augustine, and then St. Thomas Aquinas and many others) all have their shortcomings and even during the Enlightenment, when Reason was prized above all else, when the Philosophes wrote piece after piece in arguably the most intellectual century in human history, they were unable to reach any proper conclusion without making basic assumptions, assumptions that no matter how logical or natural they may, are assumptions nevertheless, meaning to say that it leaves a fairly large possibility that those assumptions may be wrong.
(Read Carl Becker's Heavenly City of The Eighteenth Century Philosophers)

So if Reason is inadequate to explain the world, to anchor our lives to something, what's left is essentially Faith. There is really no doubt in my mind that there exists somewhere a higher being. No other explanation will suffice. There is this need to believe in a higher being, but so far, it hasn't really happened. The need is there, the will, I feel, is there; unfortunately, the means are not. Or at the very least, I do not know how.

"Show me the door, and I'll open it." That has been one of the phrases that I've been muttering to myself time and again, in the hope that one day, it will happen. Without this, I am quite lost.

Wala-ing

2007-01-05T10:12:00.000+08:00

Wala-ing

Last night at Wala's was absolutely fantastic. The crowd was pretty good, the atmosphere was for the most part electric and the UnXpected was just that damn good. Of course, the peeps that I were with were also crazy and absolutely insane (erm...maybe just that bloody Fascist dude...LOL, Adel was for the most part, sane.) It's been awhile since I've managed to head down to Wala's and its been even longer since they had such a good night. Highlights of the night: Colin Raye's "Love, Me" UnXpected style (think hard core speed rock with lovey dovey lyrics...Yeap, there u have it, a recipe for destruction =P), Muse's "Time Is Running Out", U2's "Vertigo", Queen, ...the list really goes on.

Last nite was also the first time I heard someone liken smoking to Khong Guan biscuits!!! I mean like, Khong Guan biscuits!?!? LOL...that definitely brought about a good laugh.

Seriously though, I was at Timbre the night before last and EIC was playing there, but maybe it was the atmosphere, maybe the bad weather, EIC just weren't as good as UnXpected was last nite, and honestly, I doubt they'll ever be. (Disclaimer: Personal opinion, dun flame me. I like different kinds of music, and the stuff that EIC play is just too sedate for me.) That said, EIC weren't that bad...so....maybe next time they'll be better.

P.S. I really should have typed this last night...Thoughts are all over the place right now.

P.P.S. Er, there have been ppl asking me to blog abt the 2nd half of my NZ trip...but it really wasn't too much fun, so yeah, u guys will just hafta use ur imaginations.

NZ Log

2006-12-16T16:24:00.000+08:00

NZ Log

First, greetings from NZ!! I'm slowly falling in love with this place...ESPECIALLY Queenstown. I quote my sis, "it has this magical feeling" about it. Pity I only get to stay here for 2 days.

I originally wanted to do a day-by-day, blow-by-blow account, but its too darn long and I dun have that much time...so, here's the watered down version:

Day 1 (9th Dec):

Landed in Christchurch, and its colder than expected...Not much done today, except checking in at our residence for the next 3 days, Mt Hutt Lodge just above the Rakaia Gorge - which has just got to be the most beautiful place on Earth. Words can't do justice to this place.

Day 2:

Toured Christchurch.

Day 3:

Basically slacked around the Mt Hutt area. Had one misadventure.

Day 4:

Travelled down to Mt Cook...It was really quite nice, but due to time constraints, and other stuff, we didnt really do much. Stayed over in Twizel, quaint little town.

Day 5:

Travelled all the way down to the Southeast region of South Island. Visited quite a few places, of which the highlight was Nugget Point. Saw a number of seals frolicking in the water!!

Day 6:

Drove from Kaka Point (stayed over there the last nite) to Te Anau. Crappy day really, spent 70% of the day travelling. The best part of it was being able to meet up with Heidi, after so long! Such a waste that we only had 2hrs...Dang it!

Day 7:

Went up to Milford Sound from Te Anau, took some cruise thing which was quite fun, though friggin cold. Then travelled all the way to Queenstown.

Day 8:

Queenstown. I love, LOVE, this place. I wish I could stay here a whole week, maybe longer. Did the Stopover Jet (its this Jet boating thing) today. All roller coasters and other thrill rides that I've ever taken have been put to shame. Didn't get to do white water rafting or any other fun stuff though. Crap.

Well, basically that's it. In all honesty, the trip has been rather disappointing so far. I doubt I'll ever go on holiday with my parents again. Such a bloody waste of time and money (its their money though...) Already, I've had one or two flare-ups with my dad...In all fairness, I probably was being a jackass...but then again, you can't really blame me when the so-called "adults" refused to treat me as anything other than an adult. I'm sorry man, but the truth is, I'm no longer a kid and there are things in which I KNOW better, and they just have to fucking accept it.

I think the main problem is that, virtually all respect for them have been eroded. Respect is something that's earned - it ain't free. I won't go into the details. The gist of it is that, I'm already beginning to dislike this trip. I mean, we come all the way down, and we spend 80% of the time travelling and sleeping....WTF man. We dun do fun things becos...oh fuck, i dun know why we dun do fun things....mother f-ing pissed man.

Honestly, I'm praying and hoping that I could earn enuff cash to come back here. This would be a great place to come with friends...ESPECIALLY Queenstown. I LOVE this place...Have I said that already? LOL

Rock Hard

2006-10-28T19:37:00.000+08:00

Rock Hard

Let me proclaim unequivocally that nothing, absolutely nothing, hits me as hard as good music does. I love music, specifically, good, hard, rock music. When I read about the old rock bands (Led Zeppelin, AC/DC, GnR) - boring biographies mind you, not sensationalist articles - I get goosebumps. I've tried analysing it so many times, about why I like hard rock so much, and I've never come up with a satisfactory answer. Its not just about the attitude, its not just about the crazy guitar riffs, its not just about the "dun give a f**k" lyrics, its not just about the pure raw emotions. It just touches me so deeply, its scary.

My one greatest regret in life is that I've never been able to play the guitar, or that I really can't sing for nuts. But what the heck, if only I could, I would go for every damn gig I know about...Right now, I'm praying that $200 drops from the sky so that I could go see Clapton...PLease please please!!!

ROCK HARD, ALWAYS

Frustrations

2006-10-28T02:20:00.000+08:00

Frustrations

What happens when you're damn lazy and damn busy? You end up not blogging!!

Ok...yeah yeah, that was lame. Anyway, the last month or so has been a little crazy and I think I might have taken up more things then I can handle...2 jobs, 6 mods 1 cca...recipe for disaster man.

I've been pretty frustrated lately, mainly due to my soci module, partly due to my film and hy mod. The soci mod is almost pure crap though, I can't get myself to accept the fundamental premise behind the module in the first place and I'm having a lot of problems dealing with the material...hence, I'm not doing as well as I need to. Bloody Marx...bloody bloody marx.

And for film and hy, well...Its really damn discouraging to be doing only average so far. I can't seem to crystallize my thoughts and to condense it into 500 words. FRUSTRATING!

And of cos, I've been kinda troubled/confused by all this CSS and CANDLE stuff...what am i doing in them? So skeptical and so cynical about faith...It's really becoming quite a struggle...Sigh.

Tired...

2006-09-10T15:25:00.000+08:00

Tired

I'm so tired I think I could sleep for a week. Last week was so incredibly hectic, therefore, no posts...heh.

I had a couple of assignments due last week, a leadership camp on Fri and Sat, AND an increasingly backlog of work...sighz.

The leadership camp @ VS was fun though. The boys were really well-behaved and I think they learned alot from the camp. It felt really gd to be able to inspire and teach those guys, though on my part, there's a lot more that I could improve on in terms of delivery techniques and the stuff that I know. There used to be a time when all these came naturally to me, but not anymore. Dang.... Of cos, I gotta improve on my fitness levels too...LOL, its terrible when Sec 3 boys are fitter than you.

Went down to Timbre last nite...suicidal actually,considering that I hadn't really sleep during the camp. Had a tequila sunrise, which I thought wasn't very good...sighz...I dun seem to particularly like any drink anymore nowadays. The band was ridiculously bad though...no more Timbre on sat nites le....

Damn it man...my work's piling up, and I'm pretty clueless of where to start and what to do...have a proj proposal due tonite also...die die DIE.

What A Day!

2006-08-29T22:29:00.000+08:00

What A Day!

I feel good. I feel REALLY good. Today is one of those days where i can go to sleep satisfied, knowing that i've packed in a full day's work, and hopefully touch some lives at the same time.

It began with heading down to Changi Airport at abt 10am to try to get in some mugging before work began for Spiritmakers (SM). Managed to complete a little bit at least, though i'm still getting too easily distracted, dammit. At least i finished "fred the great". =P

The maths and science trail with SM today was really good stuff. My kids were fun to work with, and attentive when they're supposed to be. it seems that all the conditions came together to ensure today's success. The teacher who was accompanying the kids had a number of good inputs that added to the whole learning procedure. Everything went so smoothly, we even had the time for an extra station!! At the end of the day, I'm quite sure the kids had fun, AND learned a little more about maths and science, and that's basically all anyone can ask for.
After the whole thing, i had a really good conversation with agatha on the bus ride back to yishun and over dinner.

All in all, a day well spent.

I guess my experiences today reinforced my love for teaching young kids and hopefully in someway, moulding their future (cheesy i know, but hey, sometimes cliches work best). And yet, i really dun wish to go into the teaching profession per se, i doubt i could take the mundanity (this word exists according to dictionary.com) of day to day teaching and the other responsibilities that come with being a teacher nowadays. But i guess, education is still the field i would want to go into in future. Certainly, judging by today and all the other projects i've done with SM, its one of the most rewarding, and not just in the financial sense. Like Joel likes to say, "It's all about the kids."

Slack Attack

2006-08-27T23:54:00.000+08:00

Slack Attack

You guys just refuse to give up. I've already said, I'm different now, I've changed...now, stop bugging me!

Weekends are horrible for a would-be mugger like me. 2nd weekened in a row where honestly, I haven't done very much work. haiz, so many distractions at home man. but all in all, its been a pretty good weekend. went to the airport for some spiritmakers briefing on sat morn, then had mahjong session on sat nite, came back to watch man utd (GO YOU REDS!!) beat watford 2-1 accompanied by the ever tasty chongpang nasi lemak (suck it kenneth! wahaha). managed to get abt 4hrs of sleep before i headed down to RI for a kick-about. Been lazing at home since. Good stuff man...just...not much work done.

Random note 1: Blogger's layout for posting new posts makes it very inconducive to type posts, at least for me. its so plain and WHITE. grrr...

Random note 2: been listening to new radical these past few days. They're realli gd! haha...aside from their 2 hit singles, You Get What You Give and Someday We'll Know, the rest of the album's pretty solid stuff. Pity they've ever onli made one album.

Situation: Critical

2006-08-25T01:57:00.000+08:00

Situation: Critical

Dear all, i'm terribly sorry. All u slackers out there, i've betrayed the cause. i've given up the good fight and gone over to the dark side. I've turned into a true blue mugger.

Ok....the transformation's not complete yet, but i'm sure as hell getting there. and the best thing, i actualli like it. for perhaps one of the few times in my life, i've acquired a sense of purpose, of direction, of the need to stop wasting my life away. i think all in all, that's a good thing yah. i seriously hope that this sense of purpose can persist and i can continue pia-ing all the way. GOGOGO!!

in other news:

my financial situation has worsened to a critical pt. at this rate, i think i would be subsisting on maggi mee and biscuits before long. help!! i desperately nid some income.

Low On The Dough

2006-08-18T01:45:00.000+08:00

Low On The Dough

This is bad...my bank acct has plummeted. Its been reduced to only 2 digits....ok...Strictly speaking, its 4 digits...with a decimal pt in the middle. Sighz...Jazz@South Bridge on saturday, Bar None on monday, and Zouk/Phuture last nite...sure way to spend wadeva u have left in ur bank acct.

Bar None was slightly disappointing...the poster stated that the live bands would begin at 8pm, but the first set was only at 9.45pm.. wtf man...and onli one band was realli gd. the other 2 seemed to lack something...x-factor? Zouk/Phuture wasn't all that great either...i guess i just wasn't realli up to partying last nite...

Dammit man...so many things to do...so little time to do them...

Cashflow And Jazz@South Bridge

2006-08-13T13:21:00.000+08:00

Cashflow And Jazz@South Bridge

I'm feeling strangely motivated and all rdy to pia...i realli hope this feeling lasts man...its abt time i started doing something usual in my life.

I played this game called Cashflow ytd...its designed by Robert Kiyosaki, author of Rich Dad, Poor Dad. As a game, it REALLY was pretty fun...haha...i think i did pretty well, for my first time. What realli eked me abt the whole thing was right, the ppl who were there, they like to exclaim their agreement to wad the gamemaster says sometimes...its reali quite eerie when ppl all over the place go "yes" together...abit like brainwashing effect like that sia.

aniwae...after the game, i met up with shifu and cass and we headed to parkway for dinner, before going down to Jazz@South Bridge. The ambience of tt place was realli quite gd, it had a cosy feel to it...though tt could be translated into "cramp". the music wasnt too bad, just tt i dun exactly appreciate jazz...we opened a bottle of shiraz, and boy oh boy...it was pretty good man...haha...i haven't drank so much in a long, LONG time. overall, i had a pretty good time and came back feeling nice and high...haha

Irony

2006-08-10T22:29:00.000+08:00

Irony

Phew! What a day! If ever I needed an indication that I'm getting "old", today's proof. I'm feeling realli, REALLY tired right now cos I've been out since 2pm and only just got home...To think that in the not so distant past, I would definitely still be feeling energetic and gearing up for more!

Met shifu today and we went to Holland V, where she had lunch, then we walked around the shopping centre (the one above Cold Storage). It's a really cool place btw, everything was so quaint and laidback, yet there was quite abit of good stuff there too. Certainly not what you would expect. We went into Cold Storage too, to look for wasabi chips. Came out empty-handed though. Next was NYDC, where we had mudpies. Unfortunately, there was this realli pungent smell that permeated the whole restaurant; suffice to say, it wasn't a very pleasant experience. The mudpies weren't that good either...i swear they're smaller than they used to be. In spite of that however, we still spent quite abit of time there cos we got into this discussion abt me and my radical ideas of life, rather...death.

We then headed to Liang Court where i had to pick up some free vacuum cleaner that my parents got for subscribing to Straits Times. The damn thing was friggin heavy la...basket! Liang Court's really quite sad nowadays, there didnt seem to be too many ppl arnd. Btw, some books at the Kino there are cheaper than those at the Orchard Branch...knnbccb man. There IS one redeeming factor abt LC though, and tt's the Jap supermarket, Mediya (or however u spell it). Shifu and I went in to continue our quest for wasabi chips, and though we couldnt find it in the end (sold out i presume), shifu indulged herself with buying a whole lot of sweets and biscuits. That place is a sweet lover's Heaven man. We then wandered around Clarke Quay, checking out the restaurants, staring at the bumboats on the River, and just slacking arnd basically.

Finally, we decided to head to Serangoon Gardens for dinner at Sushi Tei. On the way there however, I almost met with an accident...and i swear that i wasn't at fault. KNNBCCB....i was driving along River Valley Road, from LC towards Grange Road. At the Clemenceau Ave junction, i was travelling on the middle lane, when out of nowhere, this black Audi A6 swerved into my lane from the right turning lane!! luckily i was quick enough to jam on the brakes, if not......i SWEAR that there couldn't have been more than 30cm between the 2 cars man. And then at the very NEXT junction, the driver swerved the A6 at the very LAST minute into the right turning lane...Like WTF man. Some ppl should be banned from the roads. The driver's a lady by the way....I rest my case. To make things worse, dinner was quite terrible as the food was disappointing. We did manage to find the wasabi chips though...@ NTUC of all places. LOL...and the very last packet at that. Hurrah for local supermarkets i say. To cap it all off, i bought IRONY peppermints...I realli like the packaging man.

All in all, today was realli enjoyable, the company more than anithing else. Thx shifu for the great time we had...(: Slowly, enjoy your wasabi chips horh...keke.

P.S. i think i nid to be more concise. LOL.

2006-08-07T22:04:00.000+08:00

weak as a puppy

i've been sick the past few days. been battling bouts of fever/throat infection/coughs/cold.....FLU. as a result, i havent seen the light of day for the last few days (figuratively speaking) and being cooped up in your bed does strange things to one's perception sometimes. meanwhile, i've visited every blog on my firefox bookmarks at least a dozen times in between, "alternatingly" (i'm quite sure there's no such word, but screw it, i'm sick.) clicking on links to soccernet/teamtalk about once every 30seconds and becoming quite professional at feeling BOTH bored AND wretched at the same time. Sigh.

Aniwae, i dropped by Wala's the other day with some dudes, and disappointingly, the band wasn't as good as the previous times i've been there. Or like eug said, maybe its cos of the wimpy crowd that kept requesting for thrashy songs. all in all, it was fun cos of the company, but it could have been a lot better. Oh yah, bourbon coke destroys your throat. dun order it if u're already nursing a sore throat. UNLESS of cos u're looking for an MC.

I can't wait for school to start....

Rants #1

2006-08-01T00:58:00.000+08:00

Rants #1

I watched Lakehouse ytd..*gasps*. TBH, the show wasn't too bad and the only disappointment was the ending. For a show that IMO promised so much, and in the end for it to go back to the cliche Hollywood-esque ending really took the flavour out of my mouth. I would like to believe that there exists a Love to transcend all things immutable, death, time, LIFE itself. Idealist perhaps, romantic perhaps, but screw it man. There has got to be a Love that can survive tragic endings and say suck it to "happily ever afters"

I'm stuck in a rut...again. No motivation, no fucking impetus for anything, no goals, no ambitions; I'd dread the day where I realise that life is really nothing more than...I dunno.

To me, for so long, LIFE has been nothing more than looking forward to the next temporary high. The dangers of course, is this numbing feeling....What's left when there are no more highs?

Renewal

2006-07-30T20:16:00.000+08:00

Renewal

Every so often, there's an urge to start anew, to begin once again, and this is one such moment. I've decided to delete all the posts prior to today and to begin blogging again. Hopefully this time it'll be on a more regular basis...hee.

Aniwaes, I so wanted to start with a new layout, but I guess laziness overrode that...oh well.

Cheers then, to a new beginning.